More Crazy

Thank you for all your comments in response to my last post. No matter how many of you may call me strong and courageous, I need to believe that I am strong and courageous because those traits lie at the very heart of how I view myself and what I like most about myself. Indeed, self-perception matters more to me than what others think of me. (That’s something I wish I could have taught myself much earlier in life.) I need to go to my death liking, even loving, myself, and loving the narrative of my life I have constructed, a narrative that embodies strength and courage. And so, I must choose, what for me and for now is, the path of greater resistance, the one I deem more terrifying, more uncertain, more difficult, for that to me is the definition of strength and courage and what will epitomize most my deep love for my husband and children. Death is a certainty and not even that terrifying a certainty. I’ve seen enough people die from cancer; I have a pretty good idea of how it will progress, how I would die, and with enough narcotics, it shouldn’t be that terrifying at all.  More