I Am Lost

[This is the first part of a two-part post about my recent loss of faith and my subsequent attempts to rediscover that faith.]

I have been silent for a long time on this blog, at least by my standards. Those of you who may keep track of me through my occasional Facebook postings may have assumed that I’ve just been busy with life. I have been busy trying to live a life that is as normal as it can possibly be, but the real truth, the reason I have been so uninspired to write and have rejected the solace that writing has always offered me, is that I have been depressed and spiritually bereft, feeling weak and like a fraud to myself and to anyone who has found a shred of inspiration in my words and story. The truth is I have been lost.



The fun just won’t seem to stop over here in my little war against colon cancer – and if you haven’t figure it out already, I’m being sarcastic when I say “fun”. If you’re not connected with me on Facebook, then you wouldn’t have heard about all the excitement. After a rather uneventful infusion day last Monday (the first round of a regimen called Folfiri), my stomach started cramping the next day. Cramping, together with diarrhea, is a common side effect of Folfiri, so I waited for it to abate over the next couple days as the chemo worked its way through my system – but it didn’t abate. Instead, it got worse. I dug into my stash of narcotic painkillers left over from the HIPEC surgery; they barely made a dent in the pain. I couldn’t sleep Thursday night, asked a neighbor to take Mia to school on Friday morning as I rolled around in pain and suggested to Josh that it might be a good idea for him to work from home that day just in case. My colon cancer friends had told me about Lomotil and other drugs to help with the cramping while on Folfiri but I’d held off on asking for a prescription, hoping that the pain would subside on its own and perhaps suspecting in some intuitive part of me that my pain, as severe as it was, was not normal and would not be addressed by a simple drug. I’ve known agonizing gut pain before (excluding childbirth which belongs in its own category of agonizing pain), when I had a gigantic tumor completely obstructing my colon and when my colon was about to rupture and spread cancer throughout my body; the pain that I was now feeling wasn’t all that different from then – spasmodic cramping accompanied by lots of belching and occasional nausea and attempts at vomiting. So, I’ve learned to take pain, especially that kind of pain, very seriously. I called my oncologist’s office first thing Friday morning.